Raunchy Valley University

Your intrepid reporter Annie here with another exclusive column for the Elk Point Times. This time I was undercover at the big River Valley University campus in Fisher’s Hollow, where the fall semester began a few short weeks ago. While I was traversing the campus in order to get a feel for what campus life is truly like at the school, I happened upon NPC maintenance superintendent, Fastidious Jones, When I spotted him, he was under the bleachers at the end of the athletic field, stabbing what appeared to be a pair of women’s panties with a pole with a nail on the end.

After I introduced myself as a parent of a prospective student, I asked Mr. Jones what he was up to. “Well m’am, I am cleaning up a whole mess of panties under the bleachers here” he said. “Seems I have to do this every Monday when classes are in session.” He went on to tell your reporter that he finds panties of mostly the smaller size a college student is apt to wear. Almost 50% have apparently been ripped off their wearer because they are no longer in one piece!

Looking a little sheepish he said that they were definitely panties that had been worn. Your reporter tactfully declined to ask him how he would know. He added that he also finds panties of similar description regularly lodged between the books in the university library! In addition, Mr. Jones stated that he has even found dresses in similar condition in the same places, and there are usually the remains of marijuana cigarettes among the debris. I asked Mr. Jones what he thought he was going on. He chuckled and said “I reckon that the young men in this town are getting a whole lot of pussy.”

Your reporter, to say the least, was appalled at Mr. Jones’ revelations. What on earth is going on at the university? Are the young people there to learn, or to only study anatomy while hiding in the dark reaches of the campus? Would a parent want to send their daughter to RVU knowing that her daughter will end up giving her precious virginity up on a bleacher to a frat boy while smoking potent drugs procured from places such as the notorious Joint? Where are the standards, or shall the school now be known as Raunchy Valley University?

These questions will be posed by your reporter dear friends in the coming months. Until then, this is Annie, signing off.